Wet Hot American Shower (Sex)

I love showering because it’s the one time of day I finally get to be alone with my thoughts. So what the fuck are you doing in here right now?!

Nothing good ever came out of more than one person showering at the same time. Just ask Hitler. Or one of his campers rather.

Whenever I shower with my girlfriend I end up standing there like an asshole — shivering; hoping some of the hot water she’s enjoying will splash off her body and onto mine before I get hypothermia and have to be rushed to the hospital.

Watching someone else shower is like waiting in line at the bank. All I can think is, ‘This sucks. When’s it gonna be my fuckin turn already? How much longer do you need lady?! I’m gonna kill every mother fucking last one of you!”

I don’t know what it is, but having a naked woman in my shower turns me on. Is that normal? Shower sex sounds like a great idea. When I watch pornos and people have sex in the shower they always look so suave, confident and coordinated. It’s not like that at home.

At home it’s awkward.

I like to start the festivities with a little mutual shampoo action. You know, you wash my hair, I’ll wash yours until I get my fingers stuck and accidentally pull out your hair and you yell at me and I ruin the moment. Shampooing a woman’s hair is nothing like shampooing your own. It takes forever. The soap never comes out. And it’s pointless because she’s going to redo it afterward. Either way, I somehow always manage to get soap in both of our eyes and we have to feel around the shower like Stevie Wonder looking for a washcloth. Cue porn sting.

Sometimes if things get going and our eyes aren’t burning, a wave of passion will rush through my body and I’ll suddenly get excited and feel like I can do anything. That’s when I’ll pick her up in my arms and try pinning her against the shower wall like I saw on Cinemax. This is pretty awesome for about one minute at which point my legs start shaking and I look like I have Parkinson’s and have to put her down. “Oh, I’m sorry babe, didn’t you know? I’m a weakling. That is why I can’t hold you. I am not able to lift 100 lbs. Even though the wall is helping me – so really, more like 40 lbs. I can’t lift 40 lbs. Maybe you could lift me up? I could wrap my legs around your hips and you could do me. Or maybe you could just bend me over and you can be the guy in this relationship…how badly is all this making you want to fuck me right now?”

You know, I can never seem to find the right position in there. It’s like one big game of Tetris to me. I get all creative with my surroundings. “Alright honey, here’s what I want you to do….put your left foot on the soap ledge….now wrap your right arm over that bar and put your pinky toe on the faucet. Good. Now I’m gonna put my knee over here I want you to hold my neck so I don’t fall. Okay. Got it. Wait! I have a cramp. I HAVE A CRAMP. OW, OW, OW…!” Coitus one, Schneider nothing.

And that’s usually when I grab the curtain rod by accident and pull the whole fuckin thing down. Every time. I know I’m not supposed to touch it because it’s not drilled into the wall and yet I can’t help myself. I grab it, the whole thing comes crashing down and I slip and almost kill myself. Then I have to call a time out on sex while I put the friggin thing back together with a boner for fourteen minutes. “Just hang on baby… I got it. Water’s going everywhere. Hang on I said. The shower rings won’t go back on the thing. JUST HANG ON A GODDAMN MINUTE I SAID! I’m fucking freezing, you enjoying that hot water? I hate you right now. THERE! I GOT IT BABE! Now lift me up and fuck me against the wall.”

Ever try to eat pussy while your both standing under the shower? It’s the closest I’ve ever come to death by drowning. I wear floaties now when I do it and have a lifeguard on duty. I was thinking about picking up some scuba gear and taking a class.

Oh, I also learned recently that it’s not okay to pee in the shower anywhere near or on the person standing next to you. Especially when you have an erection. Evidently, the only person who thinks it would be cool if I pee over her shoulder from a standing position without hitting her body is me.

You know what, fuck it. I’ll pee on myself. I’m freezing anyway.

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