kiddie porn

I just read somewhere that a bunch of people got arrested for having kiddie porn on their computers. It’s a story we all hear too often.

What the FUCK? Doesn’t anybody know how to cover up their tracks?

Get it together guys. Here’s your first problem – STOP SAVING THE PICTURES YOU DOWNLOAD ON YOUR COMPUTER AS


You need to be way more discreet. Rename the picture with a totally misleading name. For example,

this_is_a_gross_picture_of_my_doody” or “Me_and_Grandma_at_the_park_4_real.”

I don’t want to see your doody and I can promise you right now that no one gives a shit about you and your grandma at the park — except maybe your grandma and she’s a fucking idiot. She doesn’t even know how to use a computer. That shithead probably thinks your computer is a television! What a fucking idiot shithead.

More importantly…have you ever even stopped to think for a second that those pictures of naked boys you’re downloading might not even be real? Pff! Yeah. I’m serious. Before you jerk off, you should always open the image in Photoshop and zoom in at least 800% around the crotch area. Sometimes they take man genitals and put them on kids. I know, it’s bullshit, but nowadays anything’s possible. Look for signs of discoloration around the inner thigh near the balls.

And when did it become illegal to look at something? “HEY! Don’t look at that. I said DON’T! Alright you want to test me? FINE! It’s illegal now.” I’d like to make it illegal to look at me. Anyone who looks at me and enjoys it is going to jail. That would be something.

Oh and if the CIA is looking for child pornography on the Internet shouldn’t they be getting in trouble too? I mean HELLO! They’re the ones looking it! How do they even know it’s kiddie porn until they’ve feasted their beady little eyes upon it?

I’m just saying — if I liked child pornography — you know where I’d be working. I’d be in charge over there. I’d be like, “Guys, listen up! We gotta find ALL the child pornography on the Internet today. And I want you to email me every goddamn filthy picture you find. But only the ones where someone’s bending over. I’ll be in my office. DO NOT COME IN. Promise me right now. SAY IT.” And at staff meetings during my PowerPoint presentations I would say things like, “Sickos! Gross!” and “What the hell is wrong with these animals?” but I would have my fingers crossed…around my weiner. You know what I’m saying?

C.I.A. = Child Images-naked Association. I bet you a million dollars.

Have you ever seen Chris Hansen’s show To Catch a Predator? I have a new idea for a show. It’s called To Catch a Manipulative TV Producer Who Will Do Anything for Money. It’s gonna be awesome – it’s about people who will do anything in the world to have their own TV show like exploit the weaknesses of lonely guys who haven’t had sex in 9 years since their wives passed away, who are just minding their own business doing data entry at their crappy job when one day out of nowhere a little instant message pops up on their computer screen that says, “I want to suck your cock so hard right now. I’m 17.” At first the guy’s confused but eventually he replies, “I don’t think that’s appropriate.” But then the girl writes, “shut up you pussy. i’m gonna suck your cock one way or another so lets just meet up.” So then the guy types, “I really don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m a good, moral man and that’s illegal so please stop IM-ing me.” But the girl doesn’t stop, she keeps writing, “if you don’t come over her right now I’m gonna tell everyone at your work that you’re gay and you use Rogaine with Minoxidil.” At which point the man has no other alternative but to meet the girl so reluctantly he adds, “FINE. but we’re NOT having any sexual relations” to which the girl responds, “I will agree to that under one condition – if you just type that ‘you WILL have sex with me,’ I promise I won’t make you get your cock sucked by me.” So the guy says, “fine. I’ll have sex with you. happy?” She says “yes! cum over!” and as soon as he gets to her place the SWAT team jumps out of the bushes and shoot him with rubber bullets and then we humiliate him publicly on national TV and ruin his whole life! It’s gonna be great! Kinda like candid camera. Sugar Ray will host.

Lastly I’d just like to say that nobody’s thinking about the kids here. Organizations like MANBLA are spending too much time fighting for the MANs and not enough for the BLAs. I mean they call them BLAs for chrissake! Bla means boring and not important. Well that’s rude.

These kids are innocent and they have rights. Some of them are just trying to launch a career. Trying to make an honest buck. I know when I was a kid my parents wanted me to work before I was eighteen. I had to work at a crappy dry cleaners for like $6/hour. I hated it. You know much better it would have been to be like – FLASH.. I just made a hundred bucks. Good job, penis. You deserve a raise.


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