This is the phone call I get – every day — from my manager/mother, Wendy.
(When reading this, give her a wicked hahd Boston accent.)
Me: Hi ma.
What are you doing?
Nothing. How you doing?
Good. Did you get my message? I called you before.
Yup. I listened to your voicemail telling me to call you. And I got your text about checking my voicemail. That’s why I’m calling you back.
What’s the attitude for?
Guess who I saw today…Janet Picheny. You’re never gonna believe who her daughter’s working for – Steven Spielberg.
Do I know who that is?
Yeah. Very funny, Stephen. The director, shmiz. He made the Schindlers list.
No. The girl, Ma. Do I know who the girl is?
I don’t think so. But what’s the difference? You should call her – she might be able to do something for you. Do you want her number?
“Hey. How you doing? Guess who ran into your mother today at the nail salon. Do you give up? My mother! No, you’ve never met or heard of either of us — but still, my mom said you might be able to do me a favor and tell Steven Spielberg to put me in a movie. Also, I won’t work for less than a million. Hello? Hello?”
I got a dial tone, Ma–
Don’t be a wise guy, Stephen. You never know. Tell her you’re Jewish.
Are you in-fucking-sane? That’s not how it works.
Then don’t call her.
What about writing a letter to Oprah. Asking her to help. She helps people.
Dear Oprah, I’m a rich Jew living in LA doing everything in my power to become famous. But I just can’t seem to get anywhere L. Would you stop wasting your time building schools for poor Africans for a second and help me?
P.S. – I used be friends with a black guy. (Hope it helps).
Stephen, be serious. I was looking through the magazine – People Magazine you know – and I saw pictures of Mandy Moore hanging out at the Ivy. You should go there. Maybe she’ll think you’re gorgeous and you’ll fall in love.
Right. I’m on my way….
How‘bout being the bachelor? It’s an easy way to become famous. Meet all those girls and all of a sudden you’re a superstar overnight.
I know. I know. (mocking me) That’s not how I want to do it, Ma. I want to make it on my own. I don’t need anybody’s help, Ma.
That was a pretty good impersonation of me, Mom.
Oy, Stephen. It’s very hard what you’re doing. But you’re gonna do it. It just takes time. Have faith.
Are you trying to convince me or are you trying to convince yourself there, Ma?
I’m not convincing anyone. You’ll be fine.
Yeah, I know…. Alright, what else?
What else? Did you watch American Idol last night?
It was great wasn’t it?
What about trying to get on a show like that?
Ma, what the fuck are you talking about? I don’t sing. I gotta go. I love you.
Alright. I love you too. Call that girl.
Alright I will. I gotta go – I just pulled up to the Ivy.
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